JOKES

I get sent loads of e-mails containing jokes so I thought I'd let you all have a read and a chuckle at the best ones.

If you have a joke you want to share then please get in touch!!

What's the difference between John Travolta and Liverpool?

John Travolta was actually good in Greece!

from Cat (thanks!)

A man visits the zoo.
> >
> > There is nothing there apart from one dog.....
> >
> >
> > It was a Shitzu.

from Mr. Paul James

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
>>He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
>>young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair.
>>While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top
of
>>her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
>>While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
>>"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
>>probably
>>spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw
how he
>>kissed
>>your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever
he
>>tells you.
>>Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously


>>very dangerous.
>>If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
>>Be strong, honey. I love you!"
>>His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my


>>ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any
>>Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
>> Be strong honey. I love you, too

from Mr. Paul James

Three ducks walked into a bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the
first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day. What else could a duck  want?" said
Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to
the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and
out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck
want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So,
you must be Louie?"


"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is
Puddles."

from Mr. Paul James

Quote for the day:
"Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if PacMan affected  us as
kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and
listening to repetitive  music."
From Dave Turner

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A blow job with handle bars.

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked
his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"
"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.
The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red
petals?"
"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"
His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

Two Prostitutes are walking down the street.
One says to the other:"Hey have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
the other one says " No, but I've been twirled around by the tits!"

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' "

She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock . . ."

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

A kid and his grandfather were sitting on the porch swing. Gramps lit up a cigarette, and the kid looked at him and said, "Can I have one of those?"

Gramps replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

The kid said, "Nope."

Gramps replied, "Then you ain't old enough."

A little while later, Gramps popped open a beer.The kid asked, "Can I have one of those?"

Gramps replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

The kid said, "Nope."

Gramps said, "Then you ain't old enough."

A little later, the kid came out of the house with some cookies and milk. Gramps asked, "Can I have one of those?"

The kid replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

Gramps said, "Yep!"

The kid said, "Then go fuck yourself, 'cause Grandma said these were mine!"

Whats a gay man's fantasy?
Running backwards in a corn field.


One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....
From DJ Cristo

Yo mama is so fat she uses a pillow for a tampon.

One fine day mister rabbit goes running around the forest.  He sees a giraffe rolling a joint. "giraffe giraffe! why do you do drugs? come run with me instead"  So the giraffe stops rolling his joint and runs with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing lines. Says the rabbit: "elephant elephant. why do you do drugs? come run with us instead."  So the elephant stops and goes running with the two.

Then they come across the a lion preparing a syringe.  "lion lion" cries the rabbit, "why do you do drugs? come run with us instead."  The lion with a mighty roar rips the rabbit to smithereens.

"no!" the giraffe and the elephant cry "why did you do that? all he was trying to do was to help you out!"

"damn rabbit always makes me run around the fucking forest when he's on speed!" the lion replies.
From Raindance


A man walked up to a  little old lady rocking in a chair on her porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," he said.  "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

I  smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," she said. "I also do a gram of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food,  and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."

 That's amazing," said the man, "how old are you?

 "Twenty-four."
From Raindance

WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)


A man and his son walk into an ice cream parlor. The man orders two vanilla cones, looks at his son, slaps him on the back of the head and says "What do you want, Fathead?" The guy at the counter was appalled. He asked the man why he did that. The man said "There are three things a man wants in life, 1) A Big truck. You see that truck out there, biggest damn truck in the county. 2) A nice house. I got the nicest house in the state. And 3) a tight pussy. And I had me one of them until fathead here came along.

What would you say if you woke up and had a ball on each cheek?
Nothing, you would have a mouthful of dick!

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